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In normal times, Ashley Rayner would make cookies with her mother this time of year, walking over to where her parents live, just a few houses away in Beverly.
But this year, they will be doing things differently.
Like many families, hers is taking precautions around COVID-19 and won’t be gathering together. They plan to cook and exchange food, and maybe have a Zoom call, “which of course is not the same.”
Her 4-year-old daughter is old enough to participate, so she and her husband are trying to build new traditions. They sent pajamas to their in-laws and plan to still wear them together, apart. “Not being able to spend time with my family and friends is the hardest part for me,” Rayner said.
Parents have had a hard year juggling children at home and, in many cases, supervising remote learning for months. Now, they face holidays that will look different and time together that can be tough to make festive.
A national survey released this month by Nationwide Children’s Hospital found that 62% of parents believed the holiday season will be difficult for their kids’ mental health, and 57% said they were running out of ways to keep their kids positive.
We talked to experts about how to stay sane and add festive flair.
Set expectations. Joseph Novak, a psychologist at Solutions Northshore in Northfield, said to talk as soon as possible about what this time will be like. Include the kids in that discussion. Assess everyone’s expectations, anxieties and opinions.
“It’s important that parents honestly talk about how they’re feeling about the upcoming holidays,” he said, “because it kind of opens up the doorway and gives kids permission to talk.”
You can even allow a few minutes to indulge disappointment. Sit down together and allot a few minutes where each person can say what they are upset about, what they are sad to miss this holiday. “And then say, all right, let’s move on.”
Think of what you all have control over, and what you can be creative about, how you can think of new ways to connect.
“Focus on what they can celebrate and what they can enjoy, rather than just engaging in conversation of what they can’t have,” Novak said.
Give the kids some credit. Children are more resilient than we remember, said David Hill, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Communications and Media and co-author of “Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce: Putting Your Children First.”
“We must remember that kids are flexible,” Hill said. “Often we as parents are more attached to our traditions than our kids, who roll easily with change.”
Consider getting creative, like Rayner did. Maybe you try to meet outdoors in a distanced gathering, even centered around winter sports.
And remember that they don’t need every gift, especially if you’re feeling financially crunched. “Gifts that promise time with parents hold special value — a small hammer to use in the workshop, a rolling pin for the kitchen, inexpensive binoculars for nature walks,” Hill said. “These are all gifts that promise your attention, and that is where the real magic lies.”
Work on communication. It can be helpful for children to see how parents model positivity amid stressful moments.
“Every minute with our children is a teachable moment,” said Jann Blackstone, who co-wrote “Co-Parenting Through Separation and Divorce: Putting Your Children First.” But with many parents under immense stress already, “Add the stresses of the holidays and you have a perfect recipe for conflict.”
Especially for separated or divorced parents, this is where it is key to always work on communication. “You can’t expect easy interaction and cooperation with a partner or co-parent in December when you didn’t work on it in June,” Blackstone said.
Talk about things like what to delegate — for example, use the words “would” instead of “could,” as in, “Would you pick him up while I finish the shopping?” If you substitute “could,” it becomes more of a possibility instead of a request.
Make some time for self-care. Julie Potiker, author of “Life Falls Apart, but You Don’t Have To: Mindful Methods for Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos,” said it’s important to recognize how exhausting this year has been, with parents acting as both mom or dad and playdate and teacher.
“You need to figure out how the heck are you going to manage your self-care during all these duties?” she said.
If you feel yourself reaching overly tired, or your temper rising, take some deep breaths or exercise — whatever you know helps you decompress.
Consider meditation, which it’s never too late to give a try, she said. “It’s helpful to learn how to calm down and stop worrying and ruminating.”
Even in small moments — brushing your teeth, folding the laundry — close your eyes and involve the senses. Feel the warmth of the fabric, smooth the wrinkles. Close your eyes while you brush your teeth.
“You might spill some toothpaste on your nightgown, and that’s a bummer, but other than that you’re giving your brain a break,” Potiker said.
And it’s a great time to start a gratitude practice — writing down three things that bring you joy, or encouraging a routine where the family members say something they are grateful for each night.